Last night, I was texting smiley faces and "haha's" and happy, cutesy words. But I was at the back of the shuttle on a ride home, head turned away. I was crying. Again. Good thing I had a seat by the window so nobody really noticed. Not that anybody on the shuttle would care, if they did. They'd probably think I had some petty fight with a boyfriend or a harsh SMS exchange with an ex-friend.
I seriously wish it were that simple.
Sadly, I don't get it either. I can't trace where all these bouts of sadness are coming from, from what sad well of memory I'm digging up all these tears. These days, of all days. Everybody around me is in a tough spot, as it is. Too many meetings, too many brainstormings, too many shoots, too many pre-shoot things, too many pre-pre-shoot stuff, too. We could all do away with another drama sequence from the likes of me. I know that. And I don't know why I can't fake my smiles better lately, why I can't convince even myself that I am really happy. I look at the mirror and nod to myself, but why is there a lump in my throat? What's different now, from the way things were last year? What went wrong?
Whenever I try to figure it out. I lose myself somewhere between here and nowhere and just stare off. Like a computer on sleep mode. Where it's simpler, it's easier, it's peaceful, and empty. And when I snap out of it, I buzz on a surge of feigned giddiness for one moment and survive the next two to three hours with my colleagues, my family, my friends, with the people on the phone, or on SMS.
:-)
I wish I could paste it on and save everybody the trouble of trying to figure me out. Maybe I could fool them and stop being one more problem on the list of things to do on the already loaded chart in our team area (Item #234: Figure out why she's so damn depressed. Item #235: Treat her to a milkshake to keep her out of our hands in the meantime. Item #236: Miscall to check if she hasn't drowned in self-pity yet). And maybe if I hold on to it long enough, I could fool even myself eventually. Pretend to be happy, hopefully not for too long, only until the monsters in my head go away and the happiness bit kicks in for real. Next week maybe? Next month?
I can do this. I've done this before. This is why my old best friend hated me so much. Because I don't want to be anybody's trouble. I didn't want to be hers. And we just sort of drifted apart. Is it wrong to not want to be somebody else's problem? Yeah, we never figured it out. She still thinks it's my fault. Oh well.
I'd rather be hated for keeping my problems to myself, than be hated for pulling everybody else into my mess. I used to hate miserable people, and how they drain away energy. Hahaha. Look at me now. I won't be that person. Don't be that person.
Don't. Don't. Don't.
