You were right, I shouldn't have come tonight. I guess I pictured it differently in my head, how you would react to finding me here. You'd be ecstatic, and give me a huge hug, and tell me how much you appreciate me being here. And now that things did not work out like I imagined, it feels awkward to be here. Maybe I have gone much too out of my way to be with you. Because it certainly feels like you do not want me here at all. Maybe you're not the type who likes surprises after all.
Would it surprise you if you found out I like you? Don't worry. I'd be surprising myself too, if that were the case. I don't think I do. Not in that way, at least. But then how do I explain this dire need to make you happy? Why do I worry too much when you seem distressed? Why does your opinion mean the world to me? Why do I want to be near you? And why do I resist wanting to be near you for fear that you'd push me away like you push away everyone else? Why do I want to be needed by you? Why do I want to be the one girl who's different from all the rest?
Maybe because I am. And it's the only way I can be.
I am different. From all of them who have caught your fancy. They were pretty, smart, sophisticated girls. Everything I can only dream of being. I have resigned to the obvious that there's no way I can match up to any one of them. So I try to be what they were not: matter-of-fact, reliable, patient, tolerant. Everything you tell me you wished they were. Everything that won't get me anywhere when it comes to being more than your friend.
I guess I have resigned to the obvious, that this is all I'll ever be.
You're much much too out of my way. And I can only watch you from afar. Smile fondly at the thought of how we could have been, if only I could have been everything I'm not. Smile fondly and let it go.
Whether or not I should have come tonight is out of the question. Point is, no matter how near or far I am from you, you'll still be leagues away.
