I'm falling back into the holes I've almost successfully managed to climb out of for the last 5 years. I'm emotional again. I'm overeating again. I'm losing sleep again. Which makes me an emotional eating insomniac. Two weeks in the running, and I'm feeling a bit worried. It usually happens one after the other, two at the same time on a bad month. But never this pressing, never for this long. I feel like any moment now, between dinner and my second dessert for the day, I'm going to break down into the heap of confusion I've been trying to evade all this time.
I won't even begin to admit it was your fault (Hey, I just did). I refuse to give you the satisfaction of finding out how significant your opinion is in my life. Especially because you barely care about me, you're mildly fond of me at the very least. I especially refuse to torment my ego with the thought that at one point, I truly, honestly believed you sincerely cared about me -- only to be duped in the end.
Of course, I had to find out about her -- 'Her'. Which makes 'Me' just a plain 'me' when it comes to 'You'.
And my chest hurt so bad, so fast that it was numb, even before your confession hit my senses. And by then, the pain had doubled and, through the numbness, I felt the pang in my heart, the lump in my throat, and the oncoming migraine kick in.It hurt so bad I could not even look you in the eye and demand an explanation:
How could you be in love with someone else, all this time? All this time I was seriously thinking we were beginning to fall for each other beautifully -- in serendipitous sequence -- things were supposed to fall into place. We were supposed to fall in love. We were supposed to end up together. We were supposed to grow old together sharing late night movies, butter popcorn, and ice cream. Didn't you see it coming?
I wonder how you would have responded to something like that. Would you have thought me a fool for falling too much, too fast? Or would you pity me because you unintentionally led me on? Or would you laugh? Ah... most likely, you would. And that's what makes it even more painful than it already is.
And I want to escape it. The cycle of pain that's about to ensue. Me pretending that you didn't really matter to me in the first place. Me pretending to be okay with you being happy with someone else (whom you could have told me about earlier to spare me all this mess). Me pretending to be sad when your relationship with her is on the rocks (I'm just human, so sue me for being selfish). Me hoping against hope you'll realize it was ME all this time you were truly in love with. Me falling for you all over again. Me pretending to be okay when you guys patch up your differences and get back together again. Me pretending that you didn't really matter to me in the first place.
And then, you just sort of loop that over and over again for an indefinite period of time, interspersed with the emotional throes, the manic eating patterns, and the insomnia.
So far, I've just been two weeks into the program and I'm already weary and spent.
Just when I've decided to kick you out of my planet (for my own Cardiac Sanity), you've become the center of my universe. And my laughter and tears and eating patterns revolve around you.
I wish I could just wake up from this bad dream and everything would be back to the way it was: where I eat 1500 calories a day and burn at least 1000 every other night.
But oh, how do you wake up when you can't even begin to sleep?
Bummer.
