HR sent out a memo tasking everybody to bring in their baby pictures for some mysterious gimmick on our company anniversary. Hehe, it was funny because I look just like my baby pic, it wasn't too difficult to guess. "You didn't change a bit!" My officemates claimed i could cut out a 1x1 version of it and pass it off as a recent photo. Yap, some things never change.
I couldn't really explain how it made me feel. All I know is I felt like crying while I was making my way to the FX terminal to Rizal. Maybe because it hit home: how nothing much has changed in my life since forever. It's been the same old shit ever since, and I hate looking at it this way because my head tells me I have so much to be thankful for. And I'm truly truly grateful for everything. But there's this voice at the back of my head, tiny and droning, I could almost drown it out, telling me I'm missing out on something. But it stings painfully enough to make me not forget the longing for something more than this routine: of hailing an FX to work, getting off in front of the bank, taking the underpass to my building, riding up the elevator, then timing in. Thankfully for the next 9 hours or so, when I'm leafing through job orders, I forget how automated everything has become. But when I time out of the office, and start to trek back home, I dread the thought of commuting back to the office before my 9:30am cutoff the next day.
I've been on a moody rollercoaster all day, front car. Must be the migraine.
Or is it because my head has given up on what my heart so fervently desires, and I can't stop it? Like a part of me died, when I finally came to my senses and realized I could never call you mine, not even in pretend. I've shut my hopes down, when it comes to you. Did you feel it? There was a part of today when I didn't even want to look at you because it hurt too much.
I went home tonight without even looking back. And then that's when I cried.
