Okay okay for a moment of insanity, I seriously thought of throwing caution to the winds and pursuing whatever semblance of happiness I could have with you.
In truth, it's been so long since I've been that thoroughly happy, and I was quite alarmed I had to find it in a happy dream pa. What if I had to take matters into my own hands to make it happen? What if I let it pass again, like I do oh-so-many times in the name of doing the sensible thing? What if I've been doing it wrong, dealing with the curve balls in my life the only way I know how -- playing it safe, watching it slide past? What if this is the last few of those curve balls and I miss my shot one more time by not swinging the bat at all?
I really like him. Hell, in my dream I loved him. But what if he doesn't feel the same way? Worse, what if he does? Even worse than that, do I really think having him feel the same way about me is really such a bad thing?
In my moment of honesty last night, I so want him to want me back. And soon as I setup the thought, I wondered what fork in the road I would take. The one that every ounce of me is screaming to run to, or the one where everybody is expecting me to tread because it is sensibly the right path and Sensible Mela would know better? For a moment, I was sick of being sensible, because by default, it meant I couldn't follow my heart.
Talked with a dear friend, after that, because I was so ready to jump the bridge and do everything I promised myself I would never do for any guy -- consciously hurt myself in the process of loving him. And she said something that caught me off guard, and it breached this wall of seemingly sensible excuses I've set up to justify my rash desicion.
"Paano, kung pinagpatuloy mo at naging kayo, tapos biglang dumating yung mas okay para sa'yo... yung walang sabit?"
It hit me then, I was getting impatient. And I was trying to settle for whatever was here with me right now, over something truly meant for me that seems to be taking too long to come around.
Don't get me wrong, being with him is far from "settling" because his company really means a lot to me. But maybe, just maybe, there's someone more suited for me out there who's yet to come, who's not this difficult to be with. Who knows, that "someone" could be him -- a version of him without the issues that are complicating the whole thing. So what if it seems I'm giving up fighting for love? Am I not entitled to want a more beautiful version of it?
And then, I woke up.
And I remembered how I once said, love didn't have to be this difficult. Love didn't have to be this thing you have to rationalize and make excuses for. It's the easiest decision I should be making.
Maybe, this is isn't love. At least not the kind of love I dreamed of last night. Not the kind of love I've dreamed of all my life.
So I'll wait again. Re-set my threshold, and wait again.
Wait. Wait. Wait.
