I always thought things would be easier if only I learned to let go, to let things go with the flow and fall into place. It's easy to assume, I guess, that when you loosen your grip on something that's dragging you down, everything will feel better. Lighter. Easier.
I wonder now, why I feel like sh*t. And why it still hurts, as if I were still holding on, only worse. I'm sure enough, though, that it was the right decision to make. I really hope this just a phase after the letting go-ing. After all this time, you'd think I'd be a pro at this. That it wouldn't hurt as much that other time, or the time before that. Like pulling weights at the gym, or doing crunches -- eventually, something's gotta toughen up to make it more bearable the next time, right? Right?
Can you ever get tired of letting go? After letting Fate do as she wills every single time, even when you know you could fight it out this one time, or the next. Finding something worth fighting for is the hard part, I guess -- because that usually defines what you do next. That and a gust of crazy wind.
Maybe I'm more tired of not finding anything worth fighting for. Or someone who'd fight alongside me. Maybe even someone who'd just pick me up at the edge of the battle field when the dust settles. Or someone who'd fight for me for a change, make me feel like I'm worth something.
Because if there's nothing there, you kind of KNOW you have to let go. Because at the end of the day, no matter how hard you fight, you lose anyway. Plus, you mess everything up for nothing.
There's a very fine line between letting go and giving up, after all. Letting go is the Grand Gesture. When you let the Greater Universe figure things out for you because the way you figure it for your own little satisfaction would only create more pain than good. You let go of things to contribute to that Greater Good, even if it means you might hurt yourself more in the process.
Self-glorification aside, it's not as grand as it sounds. I don't really feel glorious right now. I guess I'm not yet built to endure that much hurt, even if it means I could be the Bigger Person in the scheme of things.
If it were this tough to let go, maybe I should have given up instead. That's less grand, I admit. But it has to be easier. Easier than this.
Maybe I will.
You love to say goodbye
And always counted all the time
'til he was free to get up and leave
to learn how to breathe again...
-- How to Say Goodbye, Paul Tiernan
