It must be agonizing for you trying to figure me out. Funny, how I thought no one else understood me more than you. Somewhere along the way, the work, the deadlines, the tears, the exhaustion, the stress, we must have lost sight of each other. Because I'm in a dark lonely place and you're nowhere in sight. And you think you see me, but your confused smile tells me you're seeing right through.
Please, stay back. Don't bother with me anymore, especially, not right now, because I'm a mess. I really need to figure things out on my own. And no matter how shallow it may seem to you, or how insignificant, it is as real to me as anything I've been through.
I'm not making excuses for the way I act, or how I shut you out -- I'm just saying I don't need, you of all people, to tell me to grow up and put things in perspective. I've been trying to fix it alone all this time. Please don't meddle now, not when I've just begun to let go of relying on you. Or expecting from you. Or hoping you'd say the right things and make it all okay.
Wouldn't it be grand that you won't need to deal with my shit all the time? It must be such a relief to get to laugh more easily, to get to ease up and chill, to relax and hang out with new bright sun-shiney people for a change. I am very unhealthy for the new you, that's why I would rather stay away and not trouble you anymore. I am genuinely happy that you are doing great. What I would give to get to be where you are now, but I've some unfinished business that need straightening out.
Thank you for trying to save me from my monsters, but I'll have to deal with them the way I know how. What you're asking me to do is practically willing me to change part of who I am, and I can't lose myself right now, just to fix things temporarily, or fix it the way you see fit.
It's all on me now. And if it's any consolation, I'll spare you the confusion and the vagueness and the complication of my personal battles, if only to save you from your exasperation and frustration with trying to 'get' me; and the tears and pain I go through when you can't.
I've begun to do some damage to our good friendship, and I'm terribly sorry about that. I can't afford to pull away from another friend right now, but I'd rather hold back than lose you completely. So for now, please move along without me. I'll catch up with you when I've made peace with the monsters in my head.
Please don't worry. I'll be fine.
