I didn't mean for you to see me. Or to feel like you have to fix things for me and make them right. But I guess you caught me that time.
I have become quite careless with how I keep my thoughts at bay.
You know those days when you wish you could pluck them out and place them on a petri dish so you could watch it disintegrate from afar? I just feel sometimes, like placing the monsters in my head in a separate cage so they wouldn't mess with me when I wake. So that I could say to myself, 'you've said your piece, now leave it alone and leave it behind.' No more reason to dwell on it.
I've forgotten that my thoughts mean things to other people now, now that they've come across my space, when I've been so used to seeing them fall on blind strangers' eyes. That little secret hideout is secret no more. And my monsters no longer die when I hang them out to dry...they dance around where others can see.
All of a sudden, they have nowhere else to go except dwell in my thoughts. And believe me, more than anyone, I do not want them there. And those rare instances when they escape me and take a hold of me, I let them out in the open if only to tire them out so I can tuck them to sleep at the back of my head.
Now I can't do even that. I can only watch the rest of the world unfold in what used to be my secret, quiet space. And not say anything at all. For fear of being the bad guy again. Or being the girl with the issues.
I am sorry that I am posting in this blog again, I did say I would leave behind all this baggage once and for all. I guess I just need someplace to hideout for a while.
Even in my own musings, I am under scrutiny.
// This used to be my playground.
