It was a combination of the crashing waves, the heady, salty air, the fleeting sense of happiness, the shiny sunburnt people, the coconut oil, the booze, the lights -- how everythng's not the same anymore since I came back. I'm not sure kung ako yung nagbago o sila yung nag-iba. It's a little mix of everything, I guess.
Sinabi ko na, what has been weighing on my chest for too long. Through text pa, how romantic, haha. And he replied with as much politeness he could muster up without coming off as a heartless jerk. He wasn't. He was actually sweet about it. On my part, I didn't know where it came from. Maybe talking about it and actually doing it were two very different things when I was in Manila -- pero in Boracay, so far away from judgments, so far away from I-told-you-so's and classic examples of situations just like this -- in Bora, the thought and the act seemed one and the same thing. Was it the pursuit of happiness, o lasing lang talaga ako? Maybe both. Logically, alam kong walang mangyayari. He's in love with my best friend, diba? Pero, in my heart of hearts, a part of me was hoping he'll see me in this light, and maybe just maybe consider loving me back. But the text message was too clear on how it won't turn out that way. And I feel -- nothing. Kumbaga, na-flush out ko na yung bahagi ng buhay ko na iyon. It's just sad that I won't have even one bit of it to run back to.
We saw each other again last night, at parang walang nangyari. Strangely, a part of me was hoping something would be different -- if only to confirm that he did read the text message at least three times before he got to reply from shock, from queasiness, from whatever. Malaman ko man lang na naapektuhan siya. Kaso hindi naman siya ganon. He remained unfazed -- like his usual self. And we were the usual us. Yap, parang walang nangyari. I was hoping na meron. Truth of the matter is, me feeling for him is not going to change how he feels for her. So bakit ko nga ba sinabi pa? I'm suddenly thinking it WAS the booze.
Siguro I just grew tired. Of hearing my story from his point of view (only involving someone else). Napagod na akong marinig na hindi ikaw ang mahal niya, at hindi mo alam that I was thinking the exact same thing about us. Na hindi ako ang mahal mo. If anything, the self-torture of hearing how enamored he is with her is over. I bet hindi na ako ang lalapitan niya when it comes to her. How hurtful naman, kung ganoon nga (knowing me, I'd oblige. Grrrr). Now I'm plain scared to find out if all this time, yun lang pala ang foundation ng closeness namin. Na without that link, we're not really close after all. I know I'm overthinking it all. Sa kanya, I bet, wala lang ito. Everything went too well last night, too well to think he was just pretending to be okay with everything, as if nalimutan niya na. I don't think he was pretending. Maybe, hindi niya naalala to begin with.
Ang labo ko.
Another story: we were different narin, when we met up again Monday. The awkward silence and forced laughter wasn't that apparent anymore. Maybe the guts to speak up around him comes with the empowerment of my Saturday night confession to *bleep* -- the "If-I-was-able-to-survive-that-I-can-survive-anything," afterglow. Maybe he just saw me loosen up a bit there and realized I'm not all work-work-work after all. It feels great, though. I feel na at least one of the thorns that I brought along with me to the Bora getaway was not plucked in vain. So apart from the beautiful wedding, the Bora trip was worth it, after all.
She was different too. A little distant, a little touchy, a little too tired. I'm not really a big fan of hanging around misery, lest my monsters resurface and I become miserable again. But I truly care about her a lot, I just wish she finds it in her heart to care for herself as well.
Masaya ang buhay.
Speaking of utter happiness, I went to Araneta Friday and Saturday night to see WWE Raw. IT ROCKED! Triple H is a god. It was very different from seeing it on TV with perfect camera angles and lively commentary and perfectly angled hits -- but it was surreal in its own respect. I had to pinch myself several times, and laugh aloud then laugh giddy to let it all sink in. I was actually seeing my childhood favorite show LIVE! It was exhilirating. Let's just say it's the kind of story you'll tell your kids about when they ask you about your life after college, next to your greatest love story, and just a little after your horror stories from the prom and your wedding. Really worth every penny. I'm bankrupt now. WoooooooOOOOOOOOooooo!
I knew 2006 would be different. Strange-diffent. Giddy-happy-different. And February's just ending. I hope it gets better. I can't wipe this smile off my eyes. Yiaoow!
