Pagod na ako. I finally said it to myself openly last night, after a couple bottles and some lights. On the ride home, I was softly crying, last night I fell asleep on top of my journal, drenched with nonsense six-word sentences and lots of salty tears. Ewan ko ba. I just kept writing over and over these "Pagod na akong...*insert sh*tty whining here*," sentences.
I don't even know what I'm tired about -- because I'm on the surface, really really happy about everything: my work, my friends, my family. Hindi ko na alam kung ano pang hinahanap ko. Pero kagabi, I just broke down. Was it the cold goodbye? The cold shoulder you carried all night -- and really, most days, whenever I'm concerned? So maybe it wasn't just you, but a mixture of a lot of other things, triggered by this sinking feeling inside me: that once again, I'm falling for someone who'll never never see me the same way. Worse, alam ko na naman kung saan hahantong ito, but still I torture myself.I hate you. I hate you so much for letting them out again. This...longing for something I thought I didn't want anymore. Someone to walk me home.
Mostly, I hate myself. Ha, the one person I am least kind to. I hate myself for not being able to come full circle and do something about the shit of my life. Alam ko namang kaya ko -- the world just doesn't want to conspire with me. Lagi nalang may ipapakilala sa aking taong hindi ako magawang mahalin. O di kaya, may mahal na iba. Peste. MWAHHHHAHAHAH.
This morning, I was just numb. I played solid rock music the entire trip to work, when I'd usually flip to Kirby's roadtrip playlist. The music is still blaring in my ears habang sinusulat ko ito. I wish I could ignore the whole world this long. I wish I could ignore him for as long as it takes. Para naman quits lang kami sa pangde-dedma niya sakin. I wish I could ignore all the longing, all the wondering, all the questions, the what-if's, the i-wish-i-were-her's, the emptiness. Yeah, mostly the emptiness.
The monsters are in my head again. It's getting more difficult to drown them out.
