Well, that was embarrassing. Though I wish they could have announced it more discreetly, maybe it was my fault, too. Wanting to be the eager beaver I so want to be right now, even when almost every bit of me is saying I've lost my drive for it. I'm not sure if I'm bummed because my early trip to the office was futile, or because my "usefulness" here became all too apparent. Para akong batang pinalabas sa kuwarto kasi makakagulo lang ako. Maybe it's a little bit of both.
I've been re-thinking my place here more and more, parang hindi ko nanaman alam gusto kong gawin sa buhay. I feel so de-motivated. I was talking to Marj last night, and saying, I think I miss being pushed to my limits. I miss having someone to sit down with me and grill me for ideas, drill me to do better. My boss is super nice, of course, but I think with such a lot of people under him, he can only sit down and push so much. And I think I'm sort of drifting away. I'm slowly turning into this la-di-da unaffected adult who's made this her day job and is out here to beat deadlines for the day, and nothing more.
I so want something more. I was hoping somebody could show me around. But there's too much going on, and I can't afford to be the crybaby kid anymore. But at this rate, I wonder if growing up is going to do me any good.
What to do, what to do, what to do?
Sigh.
