I miss some of my really good friends terribly.
I feel like I've been losing them to different things: to careers, to dreams, to other people, to circumstances beyond our control. Well, not really 'losing' them -- maybe just not 'having' them as much as I used to. But a good friend did tell me, during one of those now rare occasions that we do get to hang out, that you never really 'lose' anybody. Relationships just shift. And it's up to you to make the best (or the worst) of what you have at hand.
Talking to her sooner would have made things hell easier the past few months -- but then, maybe the Universe hoped I would come to my senses, then realized I wasn't really learning anything on my own so far, and I needed a little kick. I don't think I've ever laughed as much in the last few weeks. It felt nice. And it felt nice to be reminded what I've been missing with these emotional bouts --
That I'm blessed with good friends who care for me. Maybe we don't spend as much time as we used to. Or we don't text as often. Or talk on the phone like we did when we were younger. I love them anyway. And I'd like to believe (in fact, I'm 98% certain) that they love me too.
It may not be in the way I hope they would. Or in the number of times they come to me when they're in trouble. Or in the number of beers we drink together in celebration of something. But yeah, I AM loved. I just have to believe it, and trust that they honestly, truly do love me, in their own way, just as much as I love them and would drop heaven and hell to be there when they need me.
It's okay if you aren't loved the way you want them to, or if they have to be asked to do just that. How do you demand for something you don't even really know? How do you give back something you're not even sure you have? Truth is, nobody ever really understands anybody. Some just guess better than others and chance upon it without meaning to.
I'm lucky I've chanced upon just that -- if not too often, but in those rare times, finding the genuine, lasting kind. That's something to be happy about, in the meantime, until me and my good good friends meet up again and confirm it over beers and raucous laughter.
Happy in the meantime. I could do that.
***
So maybe it's okay that I can't make you smile as much as she does. I'd like to think that at some point, I happened to make you smile, too.
I just want you to be happy, after all -- and I can see that you are. I'm happy for you. So I guess, in that sense, we both found our luck.
Stay happy. Maybe we'll chance upon each other again. Stay happy, in the meantime.
