A temporary sense of calm has kept me together the past couple days. In the hope that it stretches to months, long enough into a year, or two... to not be temporary anymore. When you keep loneliness at bay long enough, is it the same as not being lonely at all?
Is being just "okay", okay?
I get this sinking feeling, sometimes, that we're just okay. I guess it comes with the hanging out too much bit, we just sort of expect each other to be there, and not really wish we could hang out anymore. We've lost the need of each other -- how do you need something you always have, right -- and that makes you and me...just okay.
Are you okay with just being okay? Is it too much to want us to be really good again, like we were before? Or is it foolish to compare the way we were to the way we are now? I just feel sometimes, we reward "issues" with too much of our time. Like how we hang out only when you feel bad, or only when I cry, or only when I need something, or when you do. And then, the rest of the time, we're just there... and while we're not lonely, it's just the absence of loneliness that makes it seem so.
I miss you terribly. The 'you' you, I mean. Which makes me miss the 'me' me. But I don't think you feel it at all. I think you're just... okay with it. Which should really be okay, if only you weren't in really good terms with everybody else. Hanging out and laughing and overtly missing them when you don't feel bad, or when I don't cry, or when I don't need anything, or when you don't. And then, the rest of the time, you go back to being...okay -- when you're with me. At what point did I lose you, I wonder? I think I have a vague time span in mind, and no matter how I deny it, I know exactly when I did. I tried to tell you, in fact, I did. But you said we were okay, and I let it go. In truth, I let YOU go. So was it really my fault, to begin with, after all?
Okay, okay (How many times did I say 'okay' in this entry? Too many times). For now, I'll be. I wonder until how long. Or until temporary okay-ness becomes permanent, whichever comes first.
Booooo.
I know he's yours,
and he'll never belong to me again.
-- Change is Hard, She & Him
