I woke up in a surprisingly good mood, for a Monday morning, that is. Even the bus breaking down on me kanina was not enough to spoil my unusually sunny day. Recording VO's with just me and a tech was strange and nerve-wracking -- I was all over the place, all messed-up really. But I'm still in a hip-hap-happy mood. Para akong naka-Prozac, Avamigran, at Buscopan sabay-sabay. The nerve-wracking part must have busted my senses or something.
Numb. Is that the word I'm looking for? I've talked to her about the "circumstances" and she seems pretty sure that she'll never see him in the romantic sense, never see him the way I see him, at least. And I'm not sure how I felt about it. Partly relieved, that it seems I won't be encountering the kinds of incidents characters in Koreanovelas suffer -- the kind where you catch your best friend with the guy of your dreams holding hands or hugging or making out or something. Partly frustrated, thinking if only I were the one you fell in love with, then at least two people in the world would be happy. Because I know you must be feeling like hell right now. For several times, you've put your heart on the line, I know of a couple of them, and more often than not, you end up where you are right now: as their friend. Only their friend.
And then I'm partly hopeful. Seems to me you've run through a list of girls you'd imagine yourself being with for the rest of your life. Maybe I'm next? And if for some insane reason, this setup comes true, I'd most probably hate you. For loving me a little too late, for loving me because there's nobody else to love you back, for loving me because I've always been in love with you. For putting me last on your list, when you've always been number one.
I think I just hate you now. Is that why I'm in a good mood? Maybe. It's refreshing to hate you for a change. I've been on your side too long, and never on mine -- where I should have been since the very start. At least from the time I found out you just enjoy talking to me when we're talking about her. I know the hatred might not last too long, I feel it's the kind that will ebb away soon, after a month or two, or after I see you again. But hopefully it's the kind the ebbs away with everything else, down to the very littlest flame I hold for you.
And then, I'll be okay.
