For the first time since I've known you, I'm choosing not to overtly wish you a happy new year. I know that sounds bad -- what a way to start 2006 -- but when I say 'overtly' that just means I'm not texting you this year, although I still wish you well. Let's just say I grew tired of the New Year Excuse -- the time of the year I make my presence felt without seeming too suggestive nor too desperate via the age old innocent holiday text greeting trick. You're obviously not using the same trick on me. It's already three AM for heaven's sake: everybody else has already texted in one form of greeting or another. What I'd give to have you text first for a change -- but I've been placing my hopes and my heart on that for the last two years. I'm not doing it again this time around (Heaven help me). That seems to be resolution number one of the classic Breaking Old Habits for the New Year Ritual.
Resolution number two's not as easy. Letting them go. All of them. All of the guys I've fancied myself in love with. And actually getting to lead normal lives with or without them -- enough of the nervous chatter, and the guarded laughter, and the cautious gazing. If I would want anyone to love me, they might as well love me in my worst because in my best behavior, I'm actually a huge bore. If I can be that way around LOML and Noknok, I can definitely be that way around him. It's not as if he sees me that way -- why force him to change his mind? It's like I said on that booze-stint in Baywalk: when I finally find the one I'd be willing to bare my soul to, then maybe I might have found true love. But for as long as my head keeps on stopping my heart, I'm pretty convinced I haven't found the one. If it's right, and feels right, would I even think twice? I'd like to think I'm smarter than that.
Resolution number three? Stand my ground. Quit being a crybaby, quit being the whiner, quit being the insecure probie. The real world is just as harsh as I thought it would be -- facing it everyday is even worse. Yes -- bad hair days can happen all year. And while steeling my guts may mean having to change my wardrobe, my hairdo, my stance, and my humor, too -- I'll just have to make sure it doesn't change the real stuff I believe in: integrity, creativity, excellence, and love.
Year 2006 is going to be tough. But I'll take it one day at a time. So for now, I'll keep my mobile phone away -- just to make sure I stay true to my resolutions. You know, start the year right.I'll keep my phone on all night, though. Just in case you go breaking old habits of your own.
